Margaretflakes

Can't Sleep.

2008-02-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Stop running around in my brain
I want to squish you like an ant
I have to write secret poetry about you
Other people would be disgusted if they knew
I’m disgusted
You mixed with caffeine mixed with chocolate chip cookies for dinner will keep me up
I don’t want to think of you again
I had the most magnificent dream about you the night of your birthday
But like every thought of you it makes me sad now in retrospect
You were sitting in your car waiting for me
We were really glad to see each other and happy
She was really nice and petite and pretty
She waved at me

Obsessive compulsiveness didn’t work again today
I have a crush on someone new and it’s kind of true but it makes me feel quisey and I think it’s just my ovaries
Feels like my ovaries
I know it would never work between him and me and I’d feel trapped
I don’t think he’s even attracted to me anyways
We’d be like two miserable people clinging to what makes us feel worthy
Fake
Intimacy

shopping

2008-01-18T15:42:00.002-08:00

When I go shopping from now on
I’m going to look at beautiful clothes that don’t fit me and say
“You are beautiful, I like your fashion. But I am not going to be depressed because I can not fit in you. I’m happy for you and the next person who finds you and can fit in you.
And I’m happy for me. Being me. Fitting in to what fits me. Not worrying about what doesn’t.
Because sometimes clothes are too small
And sometimes they are too big
And sometimes, just sometimes, they are just right

sisters in lost souls

2008-01-18T15:42:00.001-08:00

You’re so smart
I don’t even know what that means
I wish I were you
With your wild uncaring hair
And punked out lazy eyes
And you dated the same guy I dated
When you were 17
And I was 22
We’re like sisters in lost souls
Searching for anything to cling to
We think drinking will make us happy
And make us lots of friends
Because we can’t talk to strangers
And we don’t have anything interesting to say
But now that I think about it
You look so much cooler then I ever, ever was
Cool and aloof

Rant January 2008

2008-01-18T15:17:00.000-08:00

“Why don’t you haul off and love me one more time?

“Kiss me each for a million years”

I can’t stand seeing my thoughts on paper/ out of my head, in the physical world. I want to keep them inside because they are so vulnerable on the outside. I have to see them, other people might see them. I’m scared of everything. I worry about things that are probably not going to happen. I worry about things that turn out fine. I wish I could learn to worry about things when it would help-- when it happens. I can’t stand writing my feelings. I think I think they are stupid and I don’t want to feel foolish/embarrassed.

I miss everything. Memories hurt so good.

I’d rather do something to numb my mind so I don’t have to think of all the things I’m worried about and all the things I miss. And all the things I did that I am ashamed of.
I’m so afraid of my own thoughts-- that’s why I watch TV.

When I found out men and women
Store their memories in different sides of the brain
And that one side is associated with facts
And the other side is associated with feelings
I almost couldn’t blame anyone
For not falling in love with me
Every time we did it

We are constantly protecting ourselves
By lying to ourselves
By falling in love with Willy Nelson
So we don’t have to get hurt by a real live person
I’ll let these country singers say all the simple things I want to say to describe the complex feelings we’ve all felt for all the years when survival became a right instead of a privilege
Now we watch porn and pop pills
It takes more to make us happy
Less to make us want to die

I think I want to be happy. I think I want to be skinny. But I just want to be what they tell me I want to be.

“Just wait a life-time before you leave”
I have to have records or TV on so I don’t have to hear my thoughts.

2007-08-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Horrible
But you can’t drag other human beings into your mind’s mess
First of all
They wouldn’t understand
They would just stand there with a solid pity for you
But no answers
And no recollection

So you walk home, for the second time sobbing
To your bike where you sob some more
It’s the only time you can cry
Walking away from karaoke
Why does it make you cry so?
You don’t know

Eyes dry
Emptiness
Of course you wish the worst now
Death
Of course you don’t mean it
But you cry it in your loneliness
Of course you are underestimating
Everyone’s care for you

Mommy daddy
But everyone’s far away and asleep
Please please
Somebody
Anybody
Be my best friend tonight

I haven’t felt this bad since
The first night Nick stayed over at Clarissa’s
And they were frustrated and sick of my bullshit
Which of course they should be
And I was going to sleep on the porch
Or I was going to crumple into the ground and be swept away
But I just went home
Like I did tonight
Seems to work for me alright

I had no one waiting for me then
I’ve got nobody now
I still seem to put myself back together some how
I hope I can it scares me when I cry
I never let myself do it just a tear once in a while
But sobbing I save for my mid-night walks down Williamson street
When I know no one will mess with me
No one will pay any attention to me
Don’t look at me
I hate that I have to be a solid human in public

disparaging embrace

2007-07-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

I can’t dance in public because I’m a woman
And I’m fat
And no one wants to see that
Don’t look at me don’t talk to me don’t get so close to me

I really like the guy with the really long side burns
But I can tell I’ll never look like his girlfriend should look
I can’t lose 50 pounds and change my personality
As much as I’ll always want to

For B, for everybody

2007-07-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

Ask those who fart in front of you
Who look up your asshole with a flashlight for worms
If you are beautiful
Believe them
Fuck everyone else

*******

Also....

Watching Dr. Phil reminds me of all the abusive unhappy marriages I don’t want to be in

celibacy, condition of unmarried-ness

2007-06-28T17:04:00.001-07:00

cel·i·ba·cy (sěl'ə-bə-sē) Pronunciation Key n.
Abstinence from sexual intercourse, especially by reason of religious vows.
The condition of being unmarried.

I like how being unmarried is a "condition"

If Celibacy was a Diet, I'd be so Fucking Skinny!!!

2007-06-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

I’m going to have a bar-B-que to celebrate my one year anniversary of celibacy. You know, some people are celibate on purpose. Wow. That’s awesome. That makes me feel proud of myself. I can never stay with any sort of diet. If celibacy was a diet, I’d be pretty skinny.

There are lots of reasons it is good I haven’t had sex in one year:

I didn’t have sex with anyone I didn’t want to have sex with

I don’t feel akward seeing someone I’ve had sex with

I don’t have the rejection of hanging out with someone who acts like we didn’t have sex
I don’t obsess about a person because they liked me and it’s amazing and I think I will never find anyone else who will ever like me or want to have sex with me so I have to make sure I am perfect and don’t scare them away and that is so much pressure.

I can be myself.

Round Table Discussion on Paris Hilton

2007-06-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

Round table discussion on Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton gave an interview on Larry King Live and then there was a “round table discussion” between anchors (journalists?) afterwards. Like, the kind of round table discussion they have after presidential debates. “Do you think that was the REAL Paris in the interview?”
Paris Hilton is the new Anna Nicole Smith. We feel like we have to have that train-wreck so we can say to ourselves “at least I’m not like her”. But then again, we all want to secretly be her at the same time. Who wouldn’t want to shop/drink/fuck all day long? We all would!

mak-upe

2007-06-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

You’re running for president
But still have to wear make-up
What if we lived in some alternative world where
You didn’t have to?

Sick/discretionary time

2007-06-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

I used to call in sick a lot at my old co-op, when I was 23, a drunk and depressed. I didn’t have that much responsibility at work- I wasn’t depended on. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t want to go through the motions of the day once again. When I started working at my current co-op, I didn’t take my first sick day until I had worked their for 8 months. Today I took a sick/discretionary day. I needed a break, it’s been 6 months since I took my first sick day, this is my second. I needed a break this week, I’m really depressed. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m doing nothing.

Take away my time to be sad
Happy people are busy all the time
Maybe I should have a couple of babies to occupy my time and give me some purpose.
My whole house is dirty. I mean, my whole life feels dirty.
I want to rearrange everything and put it all in the places it belongs. Neat. Tidy. Little places for all of us. Put me in my neat tidy little place because I don’t know where it is.

I want all bad dreams to get better

2007-06-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

Here's all the poems I just printed out to put in "Fat Grrl, Small Sweater #4"
some of it's old and it makes me happy to read. Everything is by me except Autumn's "Unjection" which is what we decided it is called when you respond to a "rejection". I love it, I think it's the most beautiful responce to someone rejecting you romantically I have ever seen and we can all learn from it!! It's OK to be rejected!!

Success
You made me hate myself
Don’t worry
I know you don’t think of me
I know 95% of what we all do
Is out of very low self esteem

**********************

I just keep searching
For anything
To make me feel connected
To anyone at all
And it’s exhausting
But I can not sleep
Until it happens
Because I do not want to
Sleep alone
And Why did I fuck so many losers
For so many years
**************

When she said
I don’t date assholes anymore
I decided
Me too
And it made me feel better to know
I hadn’t been the only one

****************
Sitting on the curb in my cut offs and headphones
eating cheese fishes and drinking a can of coke
I feel ½ my age
On days like this Madison Wisconsin is the best place to live
But so is Winona, Minnesota
And maybe even Elk Mound, Wisconsin
If I weren’t wearing leg warmers and a sweater I might be tanning
I’m glad I’m alone not held down
The perfect couple walks by me but I don’t want to be her
It looks like she blow dries her hair

********************************

I’m trying to hard to find meaningful things to say in short little perfect poems that make people gasp and say --- this is pure genius -- this is exactly how I feel in the most witty clever way of saying it with lots of elaborate metaphors and similes. I’m trying too hard. But I’m satisfied to be me. But I want to change myself. I want to get my lip pierced I want to wear the most adorable vintage clothing. I want young men to want me as their witty intelligent hilarious-- good-time girlfriend. I want a cheeseburger. Like, a big fat juicy one with lots and lots of------ juice. Beef juice. Cheese mayo lettace tomatoe fat fat doughy buns. I want to dress up in funny elaborate outfits and look like a beautiful, beautiful clown. I want every silly immature boy I have ever loved to love me back and wish wish wish I still loved them. I want to say the word elaborate before everything I say because it describes how everything is. Selfish selfish smelly dark apartment.

***************************

All these 19 year old girls
On this tv show
remind me of the one your fucking
They are trashy
In tight jeans and bikini tops
And it wouldn’t bother me so much
If it didn’t make me feel stupid
For ever thinking
Maybe you liked me
For me
The guy on MTV
Said this girl was fat
And she probably weighs
80 pounds less then me
I don’t want that guy
To think I’m attractive
Anyway
******************************
Autumn’s Unjection

So, you can't blame a girl for trying.I know things are probably going to be weird,
but really,
can we just pretend that it all just didn't happen?
Or maybe it happened in some horribly awkward parallel universe...?Seriously, I don't want to be in the weird zone.
You've been one of the best friends I've had for the last few years,
and I guess I mistook friendship for something more.
The last thing I ever wanted to do was make things weird between us.Of course I'm disappointed, but I appreciate your response.
And I'll still be the same, there won't be any evil glares or sideways glances.
I'll never let on that either of us ever said anything.
Nothing will change.

At least not on my end.
And I've got my fingers crossed that you can do the same.I have one last thing to say, and then I'll shut up about this forever.
Maybe these feelings I have towards you are just a stronger
form of friendship than I'm used to.
For the most part, I'm used to superficial and entirely conditional friendship,
and our friendship has never been like that.
I want you to know that I'm more genuinely myself when I'm with you
than I am with anybody else.
I just wanted you to know that,
while the awkwardness door is still wide open.
But now I'm officially shutting that door.
No more awkwardness,
no more extra feelings floating around,
just normal friendship,
like always.
********************

Sometimes compliments feel like failures
Why am I so attracted to Joel Madden, is it because he dates girls who carry dogs in their purses?

********************
I’m nothing
Without my friends
Their beauty illuminates and
Grazes me
Making me feel beautiful
For just one minute.

When did love
Start and end in one night
When I’ve had too much to drink
And fall in bed
Do you think
Your true love
Will make you laugh and think and smile
When I think of you
Looking at me naked
I want to cry
Your so serious
No matter what you see

Yeah
But you can’t
Because it would scare me away
***********************

Thanks for coming
And thanks for leaving
I wish I knew someone
Who knew I was crazy
In this town
So I could cry
On their sweaty chest
And fall asleep
On their couch
You’ve left a permanent loneliness on me
**********

Chubby belly shaking

Do you ever want to kill your self out of content?
Or maybe it’s because you are shaking your chubby belly to a groovy song
On a Saturday night waiting on other human beings
To make you happy.
You see your name and think
It’s been a good run
Get out while you can.
Out of contentedness not sadness or madness.

I’m going to celebrate your birthday
I thought maybe you’d celebrate mine
Suddenly I want to meet everyone I’ve met before
Even the people I couldn’t wait to leave

***************************
I wish people would act like I knew what I was talking about
When I don’t
For future reference I don’t like people who over-explain things to me
And act like they know everything.
And for future reference,
Never trick me into being on a talk show with you
Even Dr. Phil

*************
A tummy
Is a monument to beauty
And yours is especially
Monumental

For some reason
It makes me so happy and
I want to jump through the screen and touch it
On vertical

They call it a treasure
More like a feast
For my eyes and my smile
************

You might think I left you
But you left me a long time ago
So I’ve been alone all this time and you think
Now that I’m far away I’m really gone
And you didn’t even realized you’d left
Because you were always right there
*****************

I want to read your mind
Not your book
I want the uncensored contradictory badness
Bouncing around in your brain
I want to feel you
Not scientifically dissect you
**********************

You taught me the art
Of depending on others for my happiness
And that’s when my world fell apart
Because when you broke my heart
I couldn’t put it back together by myself
It’s a nasty cycle
Trying to find someone
Like you
I’m going to give up
And love myself
It’s difficult
but more convenient
I want to cry and talk on the phone in the dark to all the people who have ever really known me
Right now
But they are making love to their girlfriend
Or
Living in south Korea
And I’m kind of wondering
Which of me they knew anyway
I want an old school honky-tonk man
To sing classic country songs with but
I would have been born before my time
To make it real

Your pasty long fingers
Young erect penis
Hairy legs
And
Cold stare
You’re a figure in my dreams
A constant memory
********************

I love this shirt
He left
Balled up behind my pillows between my bed and the wall
More then I ever
Loved him
Soft thin flannel blues and pinks worn out
Holes in the elbows
And ripping at the seams
**********

I’m not going to assume just because you aren’t a typically attractive man like
From the movies
And the magazines
And the frat houses on
Langdon street
That you’d like a fat chick with a
Fucked up philosophy
Addictive compulsive
Personality
So even when I make up you
Behind your thick framed glasses and
Collared shirts
I don’t flatter myself to think
You’d be so to feel
My fat rolls were an
adorable attribute

*********************

Dirty
My kitchen
My body
My insides
Toilet at
This bar
Like a basement
Filled with whiskey
Nights walking home holding hands laughing silly
******************************

We’ve got each other
In this strange strange town
We’ve got wine and whiskey
And bar specials
To pass our time
************************