Can't Sleep.

Stop running around in my brain
I want to squish you like an ant
I have to write secret poetry about you
Other people would be disgusted if they knew
I’m disgusted
You mixed with caffeine mixed with chocolate chip cookies for dinner will keep me up
I don’t want to think of you again
I had the most magnificent dream about you the night of your birthday
But like every thought of you it makes me sad now in retrospect
You were sitting in your car waiting for me
We were really glad to see each other and happy
She was really nice and petite and pretty
She waved at me

Obsessive compulsiveness didn’t work again today
I have a crush on someone new and it’s kind of true but it makes me feel quisey and I think it’s just my ovaries
Feels like my ovaries
I know it would never work between him and me and I’d feel trapped
I don’t think he’s even attracted to me anyways
We’d be like two miserable people clinging to what makes us feel worthy
Fake
Intimacy

shopping

When I go shopping from now on
I’m going to look at beautiful clothes that don’t fit me and say
“You are beautiful, I like your fashion. But I am not going to be depressed because I can not fit in you. I’m happy for you and the next person who finds you and can fit in you.
And I’m happy for me. Being me. Fitting in to what fits me. Not worrying about what doesn’t.
Because sometimes clothes are too small
And sometimes they are too big
And sometimes, just sometimes, they are just right

sisters in lost souls

You’re so smart
I don’t even know what that means
I wish I were you
With your wild uncaring hair
And punked out lazy eyes
And you dated the same guy I dated
When you were 17
And I was 22
We’re like sisters in lost souls
Searching for anything to cling to
We think drinking will make us happy
And make us lots of friends
Because we can’t talk to strangers
And we don’t have anything interesting to say
But now that I think about it
You look so much cooler then I ever, ever was
Cool and aloof

Rant January 2008

“Why don’t you haul off and love me one more time?

“Kiss me each for a million years”

I can’t stand seeing my thoughts on paper/ out of my head, in the physical world. I want to keep them inside because they are so vulnerable on the outside. I have to see them, other people might see them. I’m scared of everything. I worry about things that are probably not going to happen. I worry about things that turn out fine. I wish I could learn to worry about things when it would help-- when it happens. I can’t stand writing my feelings. I think I think they are stupid and I don’t want to feel foolish/embarrassed.

I miss everything. Memories hurt so good.

I’d rather do something to numb my mind so I don’t have to think of all the things I’m worried about and all the things I miss. And all the things I did that I am ashamed of.
I’m so afraid of my own thoughts-- that’s why I watch TV.

When I found out men and women
Store their memories in different sides of the brain
And that one side is associated with facts
And the other side is associated with feelings
I almost couldn’t blame anyone
For not falling in love with me
Every time we did it

We are constantly protecting ourselves
By lying to ourselves
By falling in love with Willy Nelson
So we don’t have to get hurt by a real live person
I’ll let these country singers say all the simple things I want to say to describe the complex feelings we’ve all felt for all the years when survival became a right instead of a privilege
Now we watch porn and pop pills
It takes more to make us happy
Less to make us want to die

I think I want to be happy. I think I want to be skinny. But I just want to be what they tell me I want to be.

“Just wait a life-time before you leave”
I have to have records or TV on so I don’t have to hear my thoughts.

Horrible
But you can’t drag other human beings into your mind’s mess
First of all
They wouldn’t understand
They would just stand there with a solid pity for you
But no answers
And no recollection

So you walk home, for the second time sobbing
To your bike where you sob some more
It’s the only time you can cry
Walking away from karaoke
Why does it make you cry so?
You don’t know

Eyes dry
Emptiness
Of course you wish the worst now
Death
Of course you don’t mean it
But you cry it in your loneliness
Of course you are underestimating
Everyone’s care for you

Mommy daddy
But everyone’s far away and asleep
Please please
Somebody
Anybody
Be my best friend tonight

I haven’t felt this bad since
The first night Nick stayed over at Clarissa’s
And they were frustrated and sick of my bullshit
Which of course they should be
And I was going to sleep on the porch
Or I was going to crumple into the ground and be swept away
But I just went home
Like I did tonight
Seems to work for me alright

I had no one waiting for me then
I’ve got nobody now
I still seem to put myself back together some how
I hope I can it scares me when I cry
I never let myself do it just a tear once in a while
But sobbing I save for my mid-night walks down Williamson street
When I know no one will mess with me
No one will pay any attention to me
Don’t look at me
I hate that I have to be a solid human in public

disparaging embrace

I can’t dance in public because I’m a woman
And I’m fat
And no one wants to see that
Don’t look at me don’t talk to me don’t get so close to me

I really like the guy with the really long side burns
But I can tell I’ll never look like his girlfriend should look
I can’t lose 50 pounds and change my personality
As much as I’ll always want to

For B, for everybody

Ask those who fart in front of you
Who look up your asshole with a flashlight for worms
If you are beautiful
Believe them
Fuck everyone else

*******


Also....

Watching Dr. Phil reminds me of all the abusive unhappy marriages I don’t want to be in